Category Archives: My Crazy Boys

My Novel Writing Level Zero

So I’m trying my hand at writing a novel…must I say Holy shit batman. I have a few things I see wrong that I’m doing. Let me explain.

  1. I write the way my mind thinks. Confused yet? I’m a SAHM with 3 kids under the age of 13, and a husband that made it to 10th grade. Vocabulary in this house is: Do you need to pee-pee in the potty? Stop! Put that back! How many times have I told you to clean your room? Where the hell is Big Britches…oh in his room playing Legos! Baby…can you please pick up after yourself. Have you ever tried to talk big words to kids? Heck today I said lethargic and my husband looked at me like I just did the ho-down in the kitchen. I thought everyone knew what lethargic was. Anywho, when I’m speaking with my 10 & 12 year old, hell, even my 33 year old husband I have to bring it down a notch. Since then…I suck. Words fail me. My brain stops on middle school vocabulary.
  2. I write the way my brain works. Yep about 1,000 words per second all jumbled up into a sentence. You’ve seen my other blogs…if you haven’t go give them a test drive. I am the world’s worse scattered brain person…ever! I’ll start in one direction and end up driving a few blocks, hell even to another city, then end up in the same spot I started. When I re-read it…I confuse the shit out of myself!
  3. I write the way my brain works. No it’s not a repeat from above and yes I meant to repeat it. Have you test drove my other blogs yet? You haven’t…well get to it. You have? Well then did you see all the little sentences or comma splices or run ons that tend to go for miles? Yep. That’s how my brain works. I write/type EXACTLY what my brain processes, spits on the ground, and kicks under the dirt so no one else will see it. Unfortunately, by the time its kick it under the dirt, my dumbass has already typed it and moved on to something else my brain is choking on.
  4. I’m to the point blunt. No not the ones you smoke, good grief I don’t live in Colorado. When I talk to someone I don’t give them every single detail of every single thing that happened during whatever I’m telling them about. That sentence alone was hard to describe. I am to the point. Let me give you a good example: My hubby!

 

My husband: I called mom today while she was at work before she went to lunch. She said she had to do bible study school on Sunday, so she’s studying it tonight after she gets done with her economics homework she has today. She told me her fridge is going out, so she called XYZ Appliances and the woman told mom that her fridge was doing the same thing and that it could be a spring. So to save her money, just keep an eye on it because the spring is going bad. Mom said that she hopes we all have a great day and that she loves you, and all of us.

Me: (If I was my husband): Talked to mom today. Her fridge is on the blitz. XYZ Appliances told her it was a spring. She loves us. (See the difference?)

My husband: (responding to a question I asked) I’m looking at Messy Marvin and both of us are shaking our heads no.

Me: (If I was my husband) No.

Are you seeing it yet? My husband says I have selective hearing and he’s right. I listen to certain things his conversation with thin air includes, then after that I’m back to not caring. I can always answer his question when he asks “Are you even listening to me? (yes) Oh you are? Then “What was I talking about?” (Your mom’s fridge)

I cannot describe things very well because I am blunt. Instead of showing someone is scared, for example:

My heart was racing sweat flooding my pours, my body trembling.

I want to just say, I/he/she/it/they were scared. I know this because I/he/she/it/they shit I/he/she/it/their pants.

My brain tends to process that easier. Didn’t yours? Yes on the first one you could imagine someone standing there visibly scared and on the second one you just see a pile of poop on the floor, but still you got the point. Just saying.

My novel has some very interesting scenes in it, unfortunately the descriptive part I struggle with. Now the high action scenes I’ve got that in a flipping basket. High action first person…who the hell has time to think, so basically I’m just telling you what someone is doing, not how 1st person feels. She don’t have time to feel, it’s too quick. Aced that!

I’m going to dedicate this section to my bestie Bree. Without her my poor novel would be a confusing to the point novel. She is my chief editor..and when I say chief I mean she’s rewriting the whole damn thing using all my words but changing them to sound better. She gives my bluntness detail. She doesn’t stray from my “movie” I played in my head to write the thing, but boy does she add some color! I promise if my book get’s published…no wait…WHEN my book gets published I will pay Bree money. Maybe a few dollars or two but still it’s something for all her hard work. If she complains then I’ll change one of my main characters name (which is after her name) to something more erotic like Natasha or Diamond. 🙂

Fast Car! Car Keys!!!

My kids play this game that if they see a car that they think looks hot they call car keys on it. So now they own this car and no one else can call car keys on that vehicle unless it’s the next day. This is the same for trucks, campers, motorcycles, houses, etc. My favorite one is Set Up keys! This one is universal: If a truck is pulling a camper, a trailer with equipment on the back of it, or whatever it’s a setup key call. I personally do not have a parking lot that can fit all the vehicles and what not that they have called.

My oldest son tickles me. He’s really big into cars and of course the Fast and the Furious imports. He can just hear a ‘fart can’ (a car with a loud exhaust on it) and scream car keys! The 2 older boys are so competitive with each other that they will start calling them on everything they see going down the interstate. Sometimes it is sweet. I get a “Car keys for Momma!” or “Car keys! Mom will you drive me around in it?” “House keys! Here mom you can have it.” Yea sometimes they think of me.

Ok here are the rules to car keys:

  • First who yells it…gets it. If it’s a tie then you must decide who is going to “drive” it on the weekends or through the week.
  • You have to know the maker and try to know the type. For example: Ford (maker) Flex (type) or Chevy (maker) Tahoe (type)
  • You have to see it. For example, you drive a road everyday, you cannot call something around the corner. You have to see it.
  • If you don’t know the maker you have to try your best to figure it out. This is hard when you call car keys on a vehicle traveling the opposite direction on the interstate.
  • If you absolutely cant figure out what the car is, then the call is up to mom and dad.
  • You cannot call a whole parking lot. You can call an Army base but you have to be willing to share the tanks, true-hummers, and whatever else is ‘cool’ in there.
  • You cannot call the same car twice in one day.
  • No car keys infinity. Meaning it’s always yours.
  • You can call ONE house infinity, which by the way, mine is flipping awesome!
  • You are either in or you’re out. I mean don’t say you’re not playing then call car keys.

I know it seems like a lot of rules but once you play it, it gets very easy. I catch myself playing car keys by myself or with someone who doesn’t really care, like my father. Today I called a black Mazzeratti (sp?). That thing was nice.

I absolutely hate traveling sometimes because of this game. My 2 year old yells out car keys on hoopty rides LOL. WARNING: This game is extremely annoying, but just smile and ignore.  I will give you a hint: if someone calls car keys on a motorcycle, well then you must know they don’t have that motorcycle, so you better yell out motorcycle keys…then it’s yours. I have a parking lot full of motorcycles,

It’s a good imaginary game. It prevents punching wars between brothers in the back for calling punch bugs. Although, sometimes it can cause nasty arguments of “Not fair! You can see around dads head.”

So try it out. Go get you some cars that you never thought you would own. But don’t forget, it’s imaginary, so don’t go get in that car and take off. Don’t hold me responsible for you not reading well. 🙂

School, and jealousy, and storms oh my!

School. School. School. Did I mention that I really despise school? LOL Yes I am pushing for a double major. Right now I’m focusing on a Business Degree, and if possible my double major will include HR. I salute the women who work full time, have children, and school. I’m just a stay at home mom and I struggle. But I take my time and this is my 3rd semester in and I’m rocking a 4.0 grade average. Yep gonna toot my horn some.

Speaking of tooting horns, has anyone seen the picture floating around the internet where it’s a mother of 3 and she is ripped up and looks good? Why are people having such a hard time with this? I think she rocks! There are some people saying that she doesn’t have her priorities right, she doesn’t put her kids first, blah blah blah. Poor lady. That picture motivates me. Not to exercise but to want to. That’s close right? Wonder if I can burn calories by thinking about exercise? That would kick butt! I would be so fit….who the hell am I kidding, I would still be flabby.

Update on Trooper: He continues to rip off his band aid and his butterfly stitches, but it does look like it’s healing up good. Also, none of the boys will admit to cutting the pillow case. The case of the pillow case remains unsolved although if this was put in front of a jury, Marvin would have some incriminating evidence against him.

Nothing much has happened in the past few days. It’s remained calm. As a mom I have come to realize in my years that calm really is the calm before the storm and all hell is going to break lose soon. Fingers crossed that no storms are sneaking up! Have a great night yall!

Oh What A Weekend

This weekend has been an adventurous one. We went camping at our normal camping spot about 45 minutes down the road. Hubby had to work Friday night and he got off work early, so he got to the camper around 4 in the morning (Saturday). Needless to say when I wake up and see a man standing in the camper, my “Buddy” bout put a few holes in the wall. But no one has holes in them, and Buddy remained in his bed.

Now the day is going by and I noticed that Trooper has ripped out his stitches! Kid, really? So we put butterfly stitches on it since it has only been about 2 days. Then later on that night we are all playing corn hole in the middle of the street, (yea redneck style) and my youngest walks over to a friend of ours RV. Next thing I hear is a loud bang, and Trooper is screaming his head off. Of course I look like the Road Runner and take off towards him with a dust cloud behind me. I don’t even think my feet hit the ground. He plummeted down 6 very steep steps and he was laid out. I automatically figured his chin wound was gaping open, and blood looked like the Niagara Falls but nope his chin was still intact. BUT his left side of his face and down his neck looks like he was drug behind a car. We check him out and he’s all good. He learnt that sky diving isn’t so fun. Well…I guess that would be base jumping huh? Poor dude.

Let’s hope this week is better.

Bloody Gash

What a day! So my youngest decided to barrel into the entertainment stand with his chin. He screamed so loudly that I’m sure China heard him. But he didn’t cry at all. I looked at him to see if he was toothless and realized he was bleeding from his chin. I grabbed a wash cloth, of course it had to be white, cold water, and straight to his chin. I look and saw it wasn’t the normal straight line gash, it was a gaping wound. Oh hell! This momma was ready to freak out! But I remained calm cause who needs a freaked out child who is petrified. So long story short, 3 stitches and several hours later, he was a whiney mess. More than his norm of whiney. He deserves to be whiney tonight. He was momma’s trooper! Now momma on the other hand had to grasp reality twice. In all this mess I’m trying not to pass out. Let me explain this. I do absolutely fine with blood and guts UNTIL the bloody gutty person says ‘ouch’ and from that moment on its sparkly lights. After they numbed that sucker (the wound) and he quit telling the nurse to stop it hurts, I was good. I watched it all…needles and thread. I had it under control. The best news out of all this…1st his head is still attached and he isn’t going to be running around like a backwoods redneck with 2 ‘tooths’ left in his whole head and 2nd he held his pee until he got to the potty! Yes! Why so happy you ask? Cause I didn’t have to change a pee filled underwear that’s why. Potty training can be so much fun…for a crazed person.

Let’s hope the night is adventureless and everyone sleeps deeply.

The Case of the Pillow Case

Last night was the case of the pillow case. I have kids that think mom and dad are dumb and have never done anything in their lives. I find a pillow case with the corner cut off. Not the oops I caught it on something, or I gnawed on it while I slept. This was intentional grabbed scissors and cut the corner off. So I ask the two older boys and my responses are: Nope and No. Awesome! Maybe for Christmas I can get the tattoo of STUPID across my forehead. Yay! Just what I’ve always wanted. *insert sarcasm here* Not only do we have a crazed corner cutter off-er, but now we have a liar. At least the middle one didn’t blame the 2 year old or the dog this time.

My middle son, we will call him Marvin with the first name of Messy, he tends to come up with the most ridiculous things I swear a human being can say out of their mouths. One time he tried being sneaky and cut a slit under a stuffed dogs ear and hid things in it. When asked about it, “the youngest brother did it.” He gave us a great story about how the youngen must have cut it and put these objects in it and put the stuffed dog, which by the way was just as big as Marvin, back on the bed and left it there for us to find. Like some sneaky plan to get his older brother in trouble. Another time where I wondered if my tattoo on my forehead was showing.

Oh how about this one for Marvin. One day he’s eating a hot dog and you see him stop chewing and just sit there. “Why what is the matter young fellow?” Marvin’s response: “I forgot how to swallow.” Take that one and let it simmer.  Below are some things Marvin has said lately:

  • While eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, oldest brother stated he hated jelly. Marvin, in his genius way, says “Dude it’s like a chicken biscuit without the chicken!” Ummm….sure!
  • “Mom! That frog was either the frog I caught the other night or it wasn’t.” Ha! Good one. Maybe it ate the other frog and it was a 2-in-1 deal.
  • “That moth is the moth that was outside. He flew inside.” Thank you Marvin. I figured he was staying under the stairs and decided it was time to take off.

Those are just a few of the wonderful Marvin-isms he can come up with.  I’m going to leave you with these and let you simmer them.